Taming the Provocateur

In every conflict, we are all listening to voices in our head. No, I am not suggesting we are all crazy, only that our inner dialogue can determine the outcome in every matter. How can you and I be sure of this? Well, this is as sure as putting a person on the moon. This effort takes vision and action.  This inner conversation determines whether the disputing parties, spouses, family members, are able to maintain a workable and constructive dialogue that leads to a settlement.  The inner conversation also determines how you move through the post-dispute.  If you are bitter and angry throughout the dispute, you are likely to be afterwards. Now is the opportunity for the change, not necessarily easy, but one that is in essence inevitable if you are reading this blog.

What is the self-talk needed to guide us through a conflict? A skilled mediator and attorney ought to be steeped in this area of practice, though all too often, people in conflict adopt an adversarial or combative posture. Unfortunately, when we confront conflict with more conflict/confrontation, we exacerbate the original trauma that might have been the source of the problem. There is a choice we have at the outset: do we seek understanding, or do we seek confrontation?

Self-talk starts with a vision for your success in the negotiation. When you can see the conflict as a catalyst for positive change in your life, the context of the dispute takes on a whole new shape. When you examine what you need to be happy right now, understanding that no one or no external force is going to make you happy, then you begin to develop a sense of personal responsibility for where you are in your life. Examples of this is when one spouse who was not as involved in the family finances, realizes that it is time to learn the math, learn the budget, and learn what income is needed to make my life operate, there is personal growth; or when one spouse who may have been working too many hours not spending time at home with their children, there is an opportunity for personal growth.

The next step involves building a bridge designed for this particular conflict between you and the individual(s) you are in conflict with. This bridge is built over a conflict that might be so severe or traumatic that you cannot imagine why you would even consider building such a bridge. The pillars for this bridge are that your life got intertwined with this other entity for a reason. You may not like it, but what if this conflict might be the treatment you were looking for in your life? The bridge that you are building is an effort at understanding the other’s interests and concerns surrounding the conflict. It is also essential for your children and family as you model resilience and wisdom as you move through this difficult period!

Sometimes a skilled mediator who has dedicated their career to sharpening/fine-tuning their listening skills can assist in this endeavor. But unless you are pointed towards the bridge and enter into a conversation about understanding the other’s interests, it will be challenging to collaboratively resolve this conflict.

Okay, you hear all this but do not see how you can consider crossing this metaphoric bridge. Remember, it is okay to keep working on yourself and figuring out what your true interests are so you can work through this episode in your life. I encourage you to find an earlier and related trauma that might inform you about why you are holding this conflict the way you are. There may be nothing wrong here, but if a series of past traumas are keeping you stuck, then finding a way to be with the trauma(s), identify it, hold it, feel it in your body, and just let it be might free you up to gain an aware state of presence and wisdom. Generally, when we are holding onto prior trauma, we are blaming the other about what might have caused the trauma. When we can let that earlier situation just be, without attributing any of your pain to the other, you can own it more for yourself and resolve the internal conflict. When the internal conflict is resolved, you suddenly have more space to move onto the bridge, begin really listening to the other’s interests and work towards resolution.

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