Why You Need a Team of Experts to Support You Through Your Separation and Divorce

This article discusses the import  of having a team of experts and professionals supporting you through your separation and divorce.  Ideally we want you to know that you are not alone going through this.  Depending on your circumstances, you and I work together to develop the best team approach that balances the complexities of your situation with your resources.  If your family owns a multimillion dollar business, our business mediation team can assist in obtaining a neutral evaluation, working out payout strategies, and consider the tax implications; if you have special needs children we have psychologists who can work to develop a  sound strategy to integrate the child’s interests into the separation process.  My personal commitment to you is that we will take a comprehensive and successful approach to meeting your needs.

Please call my office at 301.760.7999 to discuss further.

Are You Legally Ready For Divorce?

From Trauma, to Transformation and then Peace.

Over the past thirty plus years my career has focused on all aspects of dispute resolution – it began with a specialty in family law and it continues that way today. Over the past years I felt a need to step into leadership. I learned that at this time in history, this work has become a deep calling and one that I feel privileged to take on. Let me clarify, throughout my career I have balanced a commercial and family law practice; now my work is 100% focused on leaving the family in better position than before they engaged my services.

An important aspect in the law, conflict resolution and peace-making is understanding the role trauma plays in resolving deep seated conflict.  As an attorney and probably for most lawyers we did not get trained in understanding the role trauma plays in personal, family and civic disputes. Over the past years I have had the privilege teaching attorneys and staff at the 911 Victim Compensation Fund about the principles of mindfulness. The Fund provides financial compensation to the Victims of 9/11 and in doing so are hearing first-hand what citizens and responders experienced at the time of this national disaster. The experience has deepened my empathy and understanding for the impact trauma plays on our physical health and well-being. Now when you combine this with the impacts from Covid, trauma gets exacerbated.

Much if not all conflict originates with personal trauma:  when you pause and examine a conflict’s pathology we recognize it began with an incident that is shaping the present-day concerns. When we deepen our understanding and experience, trauma becomes our best teacher in developing successful outcomes in our lives. Every individual is special, whether you are divorcing, in the middle of losing a loved one, or seeing your identity stripped away in a family business, everyone has parts frozen from prior trauma that holds aspects of our greatness.  Through practices of mindfulness, therapy  and working with a skilled mediator in this area we can begin to melt away this grip and loosen its reigns. When we experience this  shift we find that the fears, anxieties, critical non-stop judgments, and anger that has been gripping us somehow is better understood and dissipates.

My own story is that I was born when my 7 – year old sister died from a concussion.  They describe me as a replacement baby – which there really is no such thing. As a baby and as a child I had no cognitive way to empathize with my mom, dad and living sister regarding their grieving and loss– nor can I understand how negative behaviors could show up after an immense loss of a child.  What’s the trauma you might ask, I did not suffer the loss myself, I was not mature enough to appreciate the loss . .  maybe it was vicarious trauma.  Now I am seeing how being present and open to this event in my life helps inform my work with clients who are in the middle of a deep and troubling situation. When I am able to direct my own awareness to a trauma be it my own or client, just the identification and awareness of which creates space for the parties in dispute to step back from the immediate conflict.  This separation between some earlier trauma and the conflict at hand has power – I often use the metaphor “going to the balcony”.  It is also helpful to realize that there are many forms of trauma that can be impacting the current conflict. I realized how impactful and lasting grief and shame  can be on the human psyche.  It is amazing how we can become successful in life, go to the best of universities, make an excellent living and still have this one  hanging out in our minds with this unknown shadow. Conflict situations such as family, ancestral, communal, organizational or historical traumas shape our lives and instruct us around opportunities for healing and growth in relationship.

Through conversation, mindfulness, and understanding, parties begin to see the interrelationship with the current conflict.  When we shift from an adversarial posture in the family system to a collaborative model, we find real healing is possible.  When I realized that my family did their best with what they knew at the time, it allowed a broader sense of compassion for the contribution they made to me.  I am learning how this experience at birth and in my early years informs each and every conflict I am involved with.  I believe in the collaborative spirit that all people in conflict are being supported, healed, and move towards peace.  This is what starting over is about.  When we drag our past beliefs into our next relationship, without resolving prior conflict we repeat old patterns of behavior that do not support us. Now is the time to fully start anew.

Taming the Provocateur

In every conflict, we are all listening to voices in our head. No, I am not suggesting we are all crazy, only that our inner dialogue can determine the outcome in every matter. How can you and I be sure of this? Well, this is as sure as putting a person on the moon. This effort takes vision and action.  This inner conversation determines whether the disputing parties, spouses, family members, are able to maintain a workable and constructive dialogue that leads to a settlement.  The inner conversation also determines how you move through the post-dispute.  If you are bitter and angry throughout the dispute, you are likely to be afterwards. Now is the opportunity for the change, not necessarily easy, but one that is in essence inevitable if you are reading this blog.

What is the self-talk needed to guide us through a conflict? A skilled mediator and attorney ought to be steeped in this area of practice, though all too often, people in conflict adopt an adversarial or combative posture. Unfortunately, when we confront conflict with more conflict/confrontation, we exacerbate the original trauma that might have been the source of the problem. There is a choice we have at the outset: do we seek understanding, or do we seek confrontation?

Self-talk starts with a vision for your success in the negotiation. When you can see the conflict as a catalyst for positive change in your life, the context of the dispute takes on a whole new shape. When you examine what you need to be happy right now, understanding that no one or no external force is going to make you happy, then you begin to develop a sense of personal responsibility for where you are in your life. Examples of this is when one spouse who was not as involved in the family finances, realizes that it is time to learn the math, learn the budget, and learn what income is needed to make my life operate, there is personal growth; or when one spouse who may have been working too many hours not spending time at home with their children, there is an opportunity for personal growth.

The next step involves building a bridge designed for this particular conflict between you and the individual(s) you are in conflict with. This bridge is built over a conflict that might be so severe or traumatic that you cannot imagine why you would even consider building such a bridge. The pillars for this bridge are that your life got intertwined with this other entity for a reason. You may not like it, but what if this conflict might be the treatment you were looking for in your life? The bridge that you are building is an effort at understanding the other’s interests and concerns surrounding the conflict. It is also essential for your children and family as you model resilience and wisdom as you move through this difficult period!

Sometimes a skilled mediator who has dedicated their career to sharpening/fine-tuning their listening skills can assist in this endeavor. But unless you are pointed towards the bridge and enter into a conversation about understanding the other’s interests, it will be challenging to collaboratively resolve this conflict.

Okay, you hear all this but do not see how you can consider crossing this metaphoric bridge. Remember, it is okay to keep working on yourself and figuring out what your true interests are so you can work through this episode in your life. I encourage you to find an earlier and related trauma that might inform you about why you are holding this conflict the way you are. There may be nothing wrong here, but if a series of past traumas are keeping you stuck, then finding a way to be with the trauma(s), identify it, hold it, feel it in your body, and just let it be might free you up to gain an aware state of presence and wisdom. Generally, when we are holding onto prior trauma, we are blaming the other about what might have caused the trauma. When we can let that earlier situation just be, without attributing any of your pain to the other, you can own it more for yourself and resolve the internal conflict. When the internal conflict is resolved, you suddenly have more space to move onto the bridge, begin really listening to the other’s interests and work towards resolution.

Do I need to proceed through the courts to achieve a valid settlement of my family dispute?

Any divorce proceeding requires the local court to ratify the final property, custody and visitation agreement and issue a legal decree ending the divorce.  This does not mean that the process needs to begin with a court filing.  To the contrary, most family dispute settlements begin outside the courthouse with a conversation with an attorney who can represent you in the settlement negotiations and when a deal is reached file for the divorce in court.  Conversely, you can contact a mediator who will sit with both sides and work through to a settlement. These are the two most frequented procedures in the family law area today.  It is the client’s responsibility to begin researching and asking questions regarding these processes and it the attorney’s professional responsibility to outline all the options that are available while reviewing the pros and cons of each.

It is important to note there are definite cases when a traditional settlement approach is not warranted.  The courts and court psychologists consider cases of domestic violence inappropriate for family mediation because of the power imbalance – the trauma, fear, safety and non-constructive way in which the parties are communicating simply do not work in a mediation context.  There also may be cases of infidelity, neglect, or abuse that cause one party to feel ill at ease in the presence of the other that mediation becomes a challenging option.

It is understandable that in almost all successfully negotiated settlements through mediation, there is a level of conflict that makes the process uncomfortable, uncertain, and difficult to predict the future. The important first step in the process is to meet with a trusted counsel who will have your interests in finding the right settlement or litigated process that fits your circumstances. It can be even more helpful when that individual can serve as your counsel or mediate the dispute.

Taking a slight turn: My History in Conflict and Alternative Dispute Resolution

I wanted to share a brief history of how I moved into the world of conflict resolution and Alternative Dispute Resolution. I share this story not about me so much as about how powerful each of our personal stories can be in context to the changing world of our political times, the profession, and when we are clear about our personal goals and aspirations.

My first introduction into the formal ADR world came at a challenging transition in my life. I had decided to leave my position as Associate General Counsel at Verizon to move into a private practice. I was in a small firm and the chemistry between the principal partner and me did not work out. With a young daughter and a second child on the way I decided to move with a colleague and friend from Verizon into the federal government.

At the time that I entered federal practice as counsel at the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission (FERC) in 1990 Congress had just passed the Administrative Dispute Resolution Act (ADRA) and the Negotiated Rule Making Act (REGNEG).

These two seminal pieces of legislation served as a platform for much of my work and career advancements for the next eighteen years.

ADRA and REGNEG turned into the blue print for a cultural change in federal administrative procedures. ADRA required every federal agency to appoint a Dispute Resolution Specialist who would have the charge of implementing the Act, require that a systems design be implemented that fits the needs of each agency, and that staff be trained in all aspects of the program. I had the honor of serving as a Dispute Resolution Specialist for my agency for most of my years of federal service.

My work at the FERC had its foundational core education and training of Staff, Federal employees and the Private Sector executive leadership. My introductory training was a week-long intensive program sponsored by the Office of Personnel Management’s Executive Training Center where I had the privilege to sit in for Dave Cook the General Counsel.

I would not have expected at that point I would have wound up as one of the lead faculty for the Executive Training Center teaching mediator ethics, confidentiality, and multiparty mediation just a few years later.

I did learn and promote the importance for federal agencies to invest in their work force in this area to build capacity and knowledge of how ADR practices can have positive impacts in employment disputes, contract disputes, and other regulatory dealings.

Out of this preliminary work I was detailed to a small federal agency known as the Administrative Conference of the U.S. (ACUS) The detail involved my working as part of a team with some pioneers in the Federal Dispute Resolution world including Phil Harter, Les Adelman, Frank Carr, Charles Pou, John Settle, Neil Kaufman, Richard Miles and many more senior dispute specialists who worked to change the federal administrative culture from a litigious world to one that was focused on weighing alternatives and resolving conflict.

With this goal in mind, one major project focused on working with Senior Counsel from 24 Federal Departments including all cabinet agencies to commit to using ADR to resolve all contract disputes that arise pre and post a final contracting officer’s decision. This effort ultimately lead to a change in the Contract Dispute’s Act making it a requirement for contracting officer’s to enter into ADR prior to formal litigation. This change that was implemented in 1995 serves as a foundation for clause drafting that focuses on a stepped approach such as: executive negotiation, mediation, and then arbitration. At the administrative level, a hearing board certainly can be seen as substituting for arbitration, albeit not binding.